We’re Fighting…Again.
“What were you thinking?”
“Here we go again...” (*eye roll*)
"What's wrong with you?"
"Stop being so emotional."
"Well, you're not innocent either."
"Why do you keep bringing it up?"
"Why are you always avoiding things?"
"Get off my back! Stop nagging."
“Why are you shutting me out?”
Sound familiar?
Conflict is a normal part of even the healthiest relationships. It’s the way that two completely different human beings, with their own respective perspectives, experiences, and values, create enough room in the relationship for the both of them to belong and be loved.
That there is conflict is not an issue by itself. However, the way two people fight can make or break the bond.
Is there room in your relationship where both of you deeply KNOW that YOU MATTER, even though you feel or think differently? Or do you consistently feel misunderstood, unheard, disrespected, and unloved?
Summoning the Four Horsemen, Destroyer of Relationships
If your interactions with your loved one consistently lead to more disconnection than connection, it might be because of "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse," whose persistent presence signal the end times for the relationship. This is from the study of Dr. John Gottman in his book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.”
Protect the Button
The goal of the four horsemen is to protect oneself from the painful feeling of shame that says:
“There’s something wrong with me.”
“I’m a bad person.”
“I’m damaged and unlovable.”
Here's how each horseman does this:
Criticism: Offense is the best defense. Attack before you get attacked.
Defensiveness: Deflect the other’s attacks and point the gun back on them.
Contempt: Make the other feel small and insignificant. Hit 'em where it hurts.
Stonewalling: Abandon ship. Disengage.
Unfortunately, each attempt to self-protect ends up slamming the other person's shame button, thereby summoning their four horsemen and thus stirring up even more fight, flight, or freeze. Each interaction ends up deepening feelings of hurt, rejection, and abandonment.
Over time, these toxic patterns erode the bond of trust, safety, and connection, creating more room for the horsemen and less room for repair. The cycle of pain continues until the rupture is so deep, it’s difficult to remain connected, let alone be in the same room with the other person anymore.
Friend becomes foe, and housemates become enemies living under the same roof.
Who’s Your Horseman?
When you think back to your relationship patterns, especially with those who matter most to you, which horsemen do you tend to summon without knowing?
What usually happens afterwards?
Were you two able to repair the rupture well enough afterwards, or do you still feel like the unhealed wounds are festering?
Fortunately, each of these horsemen have its corresponding “Antidote” that can reverse the deadly cycle and even draw you two even closer together than ever before. Even if one person changes their own patterns, the relationship shifts for the better immediately.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
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© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
Joanne B. Kim, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Therapist in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
Does this resonate?
Proudly helping women, healers, pastors, caregivers, and Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) who are EXHAUSTED by anxiety, guilt, shame, and an allergic reaction with anger create VIBRANT relationships where THEY MATTER, TOO!
Enneagram, EMDR, and Brainspotting Therapy in the Silicon Valley (Santa Clara County - San Jose, Los Gatos, Campbell, Cupertino, Saratoga, Santa Clara, Sunnyvale, Los Altos, Milpitas) and the San Francisco Bay Area. Offering telehealth video sessions in California.
I was a panelist at the EnneaSummit 2024 for the Enneagram Practitioner Panel.
In this panel, we share our experiences and observations about what different Enneagram types think they need in therapy, what they actually need, and some important growth steps so they can grow beyond their type.