Way to go!
You’ve taken the step to list out what you’re needing in a therapist.
(If you haven’t yet, read this first, then come right back!)
You use Google, Psychology Today, TherapyDen, or Good Therapy to narrow down the long list of hundreds of therapists in the San Jose/Silicon Valley area into a shortlist of 1 to 3 therapists.
(Give yourself a self-five! That was the hardest part of the process!)
You reach out to them, schedule your initial therapy consultation calls, and watch the clock go by as you nervously wonder what the heck you’re supposed to do on these calls.
What should I say on the call?
Am I supposed to prepare something?
What questions do I ask?
Is this a therapy session?
Ahh! I don’t know where to start!!
I get how overwhelming the therapist search can be, and I’m here to help simplify things for you.
How to Prepare for the Therapy Consult Call
The main purpose of the initial consultation call is to see whether you and the therapist are a right fit for each other. It’s a two-way street based on:
what you need, and
what they provide.
The most important thing is whether or not the person you’re talking to is someone you imagine sharing some of your treasured or vulnerable experiences with. If you don’t (for whatever reason), feel free to move on to the next therapist. They are trained to not take things personally (if they do, that’s their stuff to sort out - it’s not a reflection of you, and you don’t have to use your precious resources to deal with it).
Be prepared to talk to 2-3 therapists.
If you get a great fit on the first go, awesome! If not, try the next one. If you’ve talked to 4-5 therapists and you still don’t find a good fit, go back to the previous blog and consider either clarifying what you’re needing or widening your net for a different location, schedule, or fee.
Though the therapy search process is important, don’t treat it so seriously that you get nervous and shut down. There’s room to BREATHE, ask questions, and thoughtfully consider whether you feel in tune with your therapist enough to formally start therapy.
This is NOT an interview or a test.
You’re not being (or not supposed to be) analyzed or deemed worthy or unworthy, so you don’t have to perform or ignore your needs to get them to like you.
If a therapist you’re talking to does something to make you feel uncomfortable at any time, you can always say, “Actually, I’m not really feeling like this would be a good fit, so thank you for your time. Goodbye.”
No need to explain or justify yourself - this process is for YOU. Hang up the phone, then reach out to the next person on your list.
You’re in the driver's seat and you get to pick the destination and who your guide is.
If the therapist refers you elsewhere, it’s with your best interest in mind.
We as therapists are ethically obligated to make decisions in your best interest. If what you’re needing and what we offer doesn’t align well enough for whatever reason, it’s better that you know directly that someone else might support you better.
This is not a rejection or judgment of you (though it’s totally okay to feel how you feel).
How you feel matters.
Sometimes you feel a certain way about someone in ways that you can’t quite put your finger on it. Pay attention to those feelings or reactions - that might be your body’s way of signaling something important to you.
On the consult call, a great fit of a therapist should elicit some or all of these emotions: relief, clarity, understanding, and hope. If you feel any of the opposite emotions (distress, confusion, misunderstanding, and heaviness), you have permission to not start therapy with them.
What to Ask in the Therapy Consult Call
Ask whatever questions you have to gauge your level of comfort with the therapist.
In addition to any questions you already have, here are some that might be helpful:
Topics of Focus
How would you help people with similar needs?
How are you different from other therapists?
Do you do EMDR or Brainspotting?
Who are people you WOULDN’T be a good fit for?
The Therapy Process
What is each session like?
Who will talk more? Me or you?
Do you give homework?
Do I have to talk about ______?
How will I know that therapy is working?
How much are sessions? Do you take insurance?
How often will we meet? What is your availability?
How long will therapy take for people with my needs?
Are sessions in-person or over video?
The Therapist
Have you had personal experience with this?
Are you of _______ faith tradition? Do I have to be _______?
What do you do for fun/outside the office?
What are your political views?
As a person of color/LGBTQ person, why should I trust you?
Just a head’s up - you are welcome to ask personal questions to the therapist (ex, Are you married? Do you have kids? How old are you?), but your therapist doesn’t have to answer it.
You get to make the final call on whether you feel comfortable enough working with them, though.
Even the mental health profession is historically made up of people with privilege. Out of ignorance, a lot of therapists may claim to be culturally competent but in actuality be oblivious to the intricate realities of underserved populations. If you are a person of color, LGBTQ, neurodiverse, or of a less represented population, ask as many direct questions as possible to see whether the therapist is actually culturally sensitive, competent, and respectful enough for you and what you need.
Take your time with the therapist search.
This process may take a while and consume energy, but it’s definitely worth waiting for when you find a FANTASTIC fit - this will save you a ton of time, energy, headache, and heartache in the long run.
You matter, and your needs matter, so search for your therapist with that in mind and keep going until you find a place to breathe and take off your mask and burdens.
Do your BIG Feelings always TAKE OVER, ruining important moments or derailing your goals?
Grab this free guide that helps you handle feelings like a pro when they show up at the "wrong place" or "wrong time"!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
I was a panelist at the EnneaSummit 2024 for the Enneagram Practitioner Panel.
In this panel, we share our experiences and observations about what different Enneagram types think they need in therapy, what they actually need, and some important growth steps so they can grow beyond their type.