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What are Healthy Relationships?
Everyone has general traits of autopilot reactive patterns that they exhibit consistently over time, much like the traits you’ve identified in yourself using the Life Timeline in a past blog post.
Oftentimes, these traits can indicate whether a person is generally safe or unsafe. Unfortunately, not everyone is good to stay connected with for extended periods of time. It’s important for us to understand who we are making relationships with as we consider our own health and well-being.
Healthy relationships involve there being enough space for BOTH parties to be themselves. Each person is unique and worthy; therefore, each person gets to have their own values, likes/dislikes, opinions, power, responsibility, and decisions.
It’s totally possible for two parties to DIFFER and have that NOT mean that the relationship is falling apart. DIFFERENCE ≠ DISCONNECTION. Unhealthy relationships say that there’s only space for ONE of you, not both. When that’s the case, each of you HAVE to be the same OR ELSE…
Instead, DIFFERENCE = DEEPER CONNECTION, because y’all are loving each other for who each of you actually are, rather than seeing the other as an extension of oneself.
The goal is to cultivate relationships where BOTH people matter, NOT just one OR the other. You matter JUST AS MUCH AS the other person, and vice versa.
What would it be like to have relationships like THAT?
Who are Safe People?
In their book, Safe People, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend help identify the general traits of people and categorizes those behaviors as “safe” or “unsafe.”
Here is a chart from their book:
The left column lists traits of an “unsafe person,” such as “defensive,” while the right column identifies “safe person” traits, like “open to feedback.” Each row corresponds with one another across columns, reflecting opposite traits.
Using the Safe People Chart
Read each row and consider these questions:
What stands out the most?
What emotional reactions do you have?
Do some of these dynamics sound familiar? (e.g., do you found yourself surrounded by gossipers who are unsympathetic to others’ pain?)
What kinds of bodily reactions occur around “unsafe” dynamics? (e.g., does your heart race? Do you fidget in these situations? This is your body trying to tell you something—listen to it!)
Do any of these traits remind you of someone you know?
While thinking of someone as you go down the chart, check off traits that apply to them. Does the needle lean more towards a safe or unsafe person?
Using the Safe People Chart for Yourself
NOTE: The purpose of the Safe People Chart is NOT to judge someone, but rather to gauge who you may need to have more boundaries with or space from until they have done the work to become safer.
NO ONE on this planet is 100% safe or unsafe, you included. We all exist on the spectrum between those two extremes.
Also, NO ONE is 100% fixed on one side or the other, you included. Just as important it is for you to identify who in your life is generally safe(r) or less safe, it would be essential for you to grow in becoming a safer person for others.
When you scan the Safe Person Chart again with yourself in mind, what are some of your patterns that land in the “unsafe” column? Check them off with a marker. These are your growth areas.
In this way, the chart serves as a roadmap to finding areas where you can focus your self-development to become a safe person for others to connect with.
Looking for Patterns in Connections
Using the Safe People Chart can help audit your significant relationships (past, present, and future).
What would you like to be different going forward in who you connect with?
What are some signs in the other person to be on the lookout for?
How would you yourself like to grow?
Recalibrating Your “Safe Meter”
Many of us have been trained to mistrust our emotions and body reactions to others’ unsafe traits. This is partially why you’d find patterns of unsafe traits in your relationships: since your body has become so accustomed to it, it has developed a blind spot to them.
Sometimes seeing on a chart can help us understand and validate the uncomfortable reactions we have when we connect with unsafe people.
For example, when your heart starts racing and you feel uncomfortable in a circle of gossipers, your body is trying to tell you something. It’s likely that the gossipers eliciting such a reaction point toward “unsafe” on the chart.
Rather than downplaying your reactions, upon seeing some traits appear on the unsafe list, you can recalibrate your “safe meter” to better catch certain signs going forward. Doing so will help you:
Find and connect with safe people who ALSO care for you and
Protect yourself when interacting with unsafe people.
Do your BIG Feelings always TAKE OVER, ruining important moments or derailing your goals?
Grab this free guide that helps you handle feelings like a pro when they show up at the "wrong place" or "wrong time"!
© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne: “I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
The three Enneagram instincts (Self-Preservation, Social, and Sexual) instincts show up in the way we engage our lives and creative endeavors. Check out this conversation with Rim from The Empowered Sensitive and Creative Podcast!