March 30 is my birthday!
Several years ago, I would have never imagined announcing this so openly to 3,000+ people, let alone the 5 closest friends to me.
Because I felt SO UNCOMFORTABLE drawing attention (even positive ones), I used to get squeamish about my birthday, burying my head in the sand and hoping it would just blow over without anyone noticing as if it's a terrible event.
This tapped into the same part of me that would avoid, deflect, or minimize any compliments or appreciations I got.
It always baffled me how some people would not only enjoy their birthday but would want everyone to know it. How can they handle such intensity of positive attention??
In the past five years, I learned that my own Enneagram type (Self-preservation 4) was interfering with my ability to be celebrated.
Here is what happens for Enneagram 4s:
- Enneagram 4s have such a deep shame message that says, "I am bad/broken."
- Anytime someone tells Fours something similar to the above message, we absorb it and won't let it go. Anytime someone says something different than the above message, we deflect it. (Self-referencing)
Here is what happens for those with a dominant Self-preservation instinct (regardless of Enneagram type):
- We crave predictability, control, and planning. Anything we haven't planned/prepared for (e.g., other people's emotions/sentiments or surprises) freaks us out.
By knowing my Enneagram type, I've done a lot of deep healing to recognize that:
- I, too, have goodness in me - just like everyone else.
- Others don't automatically have ulterior motives - some are actually excited to celebrate me.
- It's okay to allow myself to be seen, loved, and held.
This does NOT mean that those who aren't an Enneagram 4SP can't ever get squeamish about getting positive attention. This just happens to be the 4SP reasons we get stuck.
Other types might also deflect for different reasons:
Enneagram 2s might crave positive attention and feel rejected when they don't get it. But when they DO get positive attention, they feel embarrassed and awkward.
Nines generally feel uncomfortable being the center of attention (though they feel hurt when they're ignored or not included)
Self-preservation 1s might be so obsessed in noticing their imperfections that they have a hard time acknowledging that they, too, are good.
Social 7s might want to focus on making things fun for everyone else and put their own wants last.
What does knowing our Enneagram types do?
It helps us see how our autopilot ways of thinking, feeling, and doing actually gets us STUCK in painful situations. Each of the nine Enneagram types show us how we create our own suffering (on top of the challenges that come with life).
I really wish I knew the Enneagram earlier in life - it totally would have helped me heal and move on from the same old narratives.
This is why I'm so driven to spread the word about it - NOT so that I tell you how to put yourself in a box, but precisely to show you how you've been stuck in a box already and help you get out of it.
Your Enneagram type is NOT who you are - it's what you've BELIEVED you are. There's so much more to you beyond that.
Interested in learning more about the Enneagram? Join the waitlist for the online webinar that I'm running with Melinda Olsen, another Enneagram therapist.
What are your Enneagram type's emotional habits?
Grab this free guide that shows you how to grow beyond the patterns that keep you stuck!
Don't know your Enneagram type?
Find yours here!
© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
I was a panelist at the EnneaSummit 2024 for the Enneagram Practitioner Panel.
In this panel, we share our experiences and observations about what different Enneagram types think they need in therapy, what they actually need, and some important growth steps so they can grow beyond their type.