Joanne Kim (OliveMe Counseling) and Melinda Olsen (Inviterra Counseling) join Nikhil Sharma (AlignUs World) in a six part series to discuss the Enneagram.
In this six-part series we give an introduction to each Enneagram Type, look at each of the Triads: Body, Heart, and Head, and discuss subtypes and instincts.
Watch the video below for Heart Types - Types 2s, 3s, and 4s (or keep scrolling past the downloadables for the transcript!)
Downloadables
Grab each of these guides separately!
Transcript
Nikhil: Today we have a great topic, the Enneagram Heart Triad. We are welcoming back a special guest, Melinda Olsen who is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, founder of Inviterra Counseling, and co-founder of Havenly Counseling Collective.
Welcome Melinda. Great to have you back here with us today.
Melinda: Thanks. So happy to be here.
Nikhil: Before we get started, do you mind just giving us a little bit of background about the work that you do?
Melinda: I'm an Enneagram Therapist. I'm an Enneagram obsessed person. Enneagram Two. So, I interweave that with all of my therapeutic work.
I like to bill myself as your resident Enneagram Therapist because I really love helping people go deeper into their Enneagram work beyond what the Types are. I really think that the Enneagram is just a transformative tool and I think it creates such a beautiful path toward transformation. When we're on that path we might not look the same as we did in the very beginning in terms of what our Type is. I love watching that process.
I'm also obsessed with creating community and care for helpers, for people who care for others and then just for my community at large. So that's what I'm obsessed with.
Nikhil: We can tell you’re very, very passionate. That's beautiful.
Thank you for being here with us today. Before we dive right into the Heart Triads for those that are new to the podcast and new to the Enneagram, do you mind giving us a quick overview of what the Enneagram is and what the Triads are?
What is the Enneagram?
Melinda: Yeah. In its most simple form, the Enneagram is just a personality descriptor. Numbers One through Nine. Every number describes a particular autopilot personality or particular coping mechanisms that we all do, constellations of coping mechanisms. So, when we talk about how we cope through life, get what we feel like we're needing, every Type does that differently. One of the ways that the Enneagram is divided, or split is into what you call Triads. We have three Types per Triad.
We have the Body Triad, which is Eights, Nines, and Ones. They tend to jam around anger, the emotion of anger.
We have Heart Types, which are Twos, Threes, and Fours. I'm a Two and we tend to deal with things like sadness and shame. That's what we tend to organize around.
Then you have the Head Types, which Nik, I know you are. We have Fives, Sixes, and Sevens. We call that the Fear Triad. That’s the Head Triad, the Fear Triad.
Every Triad has different themes that they have to navigate as they're on their transformational journey and different coping mechanisms that they lean into in order to get what their personality really thinks that they're needing.
Nikhil: That's very well said.
I know you have such a great bond with this specific Triad. Like you said, you are a Type Two. Why don't we go over it? The Heart Triad, there are a lot of shame-based emotions. That shows up a little bit differently in each one of these Types. Why don't we start with Type Two and talk a little bit about how that goes with them?
Type Two
Melinda: I like to talk about shame and sadness, and that's a Beatrice Chestnut addition that I really support.
Type Two, they tend to be called “The Helpers”, but I like to kick that out the window because I think that that's a total stereotype. I think they're “Befrienders”. Two's autopilot is all about getting you to like me. Getting you on my side, getting you on board with loving me because I'm so great in whatever way I try to be great, so that people will love me. So that people will be on my side, give me what I'm needing. Twos really try to get what they're needing indirectly by making other people feel positively about them in whatever way that they organize around. That's really the theme of the Two.
One of the ways that happens is helping other people. But that's not the only way, and definitely not every type of Two does that. It could be through what we call seduction, like classic seduction. It could be through being nice and sweet and kind. It could be through bringing you a casserole. It could be through being very competent. It doesn't matter. But either way, we really are obsessed with making other people like us. We live our lives outside of ourselves, so we don't understand our own hearts and our own needs because we're so focused on other people's needs. That's really one of the issues of Enneagram Two.
Nikhil: So, you guys kind of have this feeling where if there's some sort of rejection or something along those lines where you don't feel you're good enough at times. Is that right?
Melinda: Yeah. All the time.
I feel like that might be almost in our shadow or subconscious. I think some of us are really aware of that but others of us are not. So, oftentimes we operate in the world thinking we know better how to help and care for other people. Sometimes we're operating in this pride space, but at the bottom of that, as we're trying to be in whatever way, more than who we are, more special, more significant, more likable, what we really don't come into much contact with, but definitely is running the show, is this feeling of not being good enough. Which is why sad and shame are something that Twos really struggle with.
Nikhil: I've gone through those feelings as well, that not feeling good enough. Again, for people that are out there, it doesn't matter what your Type is, you will likely experience something from each Type and each personality, each Triad. You’re supposed to, like an ideal version of somebody would be someone who has a balanced Head, Heart, and Body Type. So, anyone that's listening today, you could be likely picking up stuff like, that really resonates with me. Which is good because likely there's something that's going to be resonating with everybody.
I often think about, especially that or where I don't feel good enough then I think about not good enough for who, where is this good enough feeling coming from? What are we comparing this to and it's something that's been ingrained in us from a very young age that society has been structured. Like there's these “laws” that there aren't even real laws, right? But it's something that's just made up. What's great about this self-discovery journey is that when you realize that each individual is on their own little path and it's up to us to own that path and go your own way that's when the real awakening occurs. You start feeling different. That feeling of not feeling good enough, it starts to dissipate a little bit, I would say. There's a lot of parts of me that I do enjoy. So, it's nice to start understanding that.
But Twos, they really want to help please people. It makes them feel good.
Melinda: Yes. It makes them feel good and needed and significant.
Nikhil: How can Twos help balance that aspect out for themselves?
Melinda: Great question. Love that. That's the best.
One of the major themes, because Twos are such outward oriented Types, we focus on other people. The gravity of our existence is on others. So, if you think about gravity, almost like a blanket with something heavy on it. It's almost like we roll toward the thing that has the most gravity. Part of a Two's work is to flesh themselves out authentically, so they have more gravity. So, they start to focus more internally on themselves and what they need. Actually, I have this by my desk because like I said, I'm a Two. For viewers out there, I'm holding up a picture of a single dot and a very elaborate squibble. The single dot underneath says, “what I wanted to need” and the scribble is, “what I need”. Basically, it's just what we think we need is so simple but what we really need is incredibly elaborate and Twos are not in touch with that. So, shifting that gravity towards ourself, going internal, understanding our own feelings, dreams, thoughts, all of that is part of the work that I do with Twos. It's really shifting that gravity towards ourselves.
Nikhil: And it's like, again, when we feed more into ourselves, when we understand more of who we really are, we're better able to help others. You know what I mean? In a more sustained manner. It's really incredible when you can understand that, like the people start thinking, oh, you're being selfish or you're doing this. No, it's more like, hey, I'm trying to spend some time getting to know myself a little bit better so that I can show up better, not just for myself and for my family, for all those that are connected to me.
Melinda: Absolutely. And that's really the point. A lot of Twos do fear that this is such a selfish thing to do. But what I like to point out to them is in personality, like in your autopilot, the things that you're doing in order to care for other people, yeah, that's partially pure, but let's be honest. It's an indirect way of getting people to meet our needs and that's not actual generosity. Everybody thinks Twos are so generous. We are not, we are not. It's not because it's all a ploy to get our needs met when we don't know what they are. So, it's a very difficult web we weave.
Nikhil: Yeah, there's a little bit of manipulation maybe that's there.
Melinda: Yes, absolutely. That's a whole thing. I think when we shift our focus to understanding what we need, and that can be hard because Twos, experience our emotions like a roller coaster. It's a very chaotic experience inside. So, we feel feelings, but we don't tend to really know or understand why they come up or what's happening or when they're going to come up. So, the image I bring up for Twos that seems to really resonate is being on a roller coaster blindfolded. You experience all the feelings, but you don't know when the drop is or when all the turns are. We have to get to know our insides to get off the roller coaster, to really understand our feelings, and then understand what we need. And be direct about it instead of manipulating others to get that met when we might not even know what those needs are.
Nikhil: Well said.
So now, how does shame and these emotions show up for a Type Three?
Type Three
Melinda: Great question. Type Three. We can go over, just to talk a little bit about Type Three, if that's all right. Type Threes are outward oriented Types as well, just like Twos. Actually, there are a lot of similarities, but Threes are very “go-get-‘em”, action oriented because what they want is approval. They're going for success. They're going for applause. They're going for approval. Like, yeah, you're the best! Go Type Three! You rock! That's what they're living for. Whereas for Twos, that's really love, being liked, for Threes it really is more about being seen as successful.
What Beatrice Chestnut says around Threes is, emotions, they kind of get in the way for Threes to being that successful self. They like to be very efficient, to get stuff done, to be successful. So, they tend to shuck them out the window. Threes underdo emotion. They underdo sadness and shame. If you asked a Three what's your experience of shame and sadness, they'd be like, I don't know. That's what I find in my practice. You'll find Three is working really hard to get that approval.
Nikhil: They like to be admired. Is that what you would say?
Melinda: Yeah, yeah. It's like the admiration applause.
Nikhil: That’s kind of how they kind of show up. How can they better balance themselves to be able to feel some more emotion.
Melinda: I think first of all, because Threes work, they're the workaholics of the Enneagram. They're action oriented. They move quick, quick, quick. They want to make sure that they're getting shit done. They really need to start slowing down. Being unproductive for a Three, though hard, is incredibly important. Like, starting to slow down, because they can't even get in touch with their internals. They can't even get in touch with their insides if they're going so fast. That's torture for a Three, but all growth paths are torture. It really is about tuning inside to their actual desires instead of focusing so much on what will get them admired. Does that make sense?
Nikhil: It does make sense.
Melinda: So, I think slowing down to actually tune into themselves, asking questions like, do I really like this thing? Do I really like to do that? I don't know. What are my hates? What are my likes? What does that really mean? What is my true goal in life? How do I really want to live? Is it really for the admiration of others or doing these things? I might not even enjoy breaking my neck doing it, or is there a different way? And in that slowing down, they start to make more contact with their very sensitive hearts.
Nikhil: Again, it goes back to coming back into your inner self. Focusing on what it is that you want. Oftentimes our autopilot, as you said earlier, can be go, go, go, go. I want to be admired. This is the way it's supposed to be. Supposed to be for who? For what? There are times where I feel like I've been in that mode where I'd want some admiration and I think that's okay. It's okay to have some of that. It's all balanced. It's realizing is it coming truly from within that this is something that I've worked hard for and I am appreciating the admiration that I'm getting or am I doing everything just for admiration purposes.
Melinda: Yes, absolutely. And Threes are so good at tuning into whatever community they're a part of deems successful. Like either their family, or whatever communities there in, but do they actually think, the Three themselves, did they actually think that that's what success means or success looks like? Again, it is tuning into that inner self instead of working so hard to get that outside admiration.
Nikhil: All right.
Can we talk a little bit about the Type Four personality?
Type Four
Melinda: Yeah. Love Type Fours, as well. They’re all great. I love them all. I mean, I'm a Heart Type. I love them all.
Nikhil: Yeah, it's good. It's important because again, when we're most balanced, we have a little bit of each in us, right? So, you're just loving yourself. That's all.
Melinda: Yeah.
Fours, they cut a little different than Twos and Threes. Whereas Twos and Threes are outward oriented, Fours are very inward oriented. They tend to have a fairly good idea about how they feel, precisely how they feel. They tend to focus more on their internals, but not all of their internals, just the parts that they don't think are great, or the emotions that are suffering emotions. They tend to focus inward and really focus on things that might be wrong with them, ways that they're not good enough, or things that other people have that they wish they did but don’t. It's this longing. Fours experience this deep longing.
The internal experience for Fours, and that internal churn is very different than Twos and Threes. They shut out the outside world and focus inward. I think the reason that they do that is because they want to differentiate themselves. They feel different. They're “The Individualists”. So, they feel very different. They want to set themselves apart. Or often feel set apart.
Nikhil: What are some areas in there that that they can use or to try to help in their growth and development?
Melinda: The thing about Fours, Fours are probably the most therapized group of the Enneagram. First, I'm going to say that.
Nikhil: What are the Four known as?
Melinda: “The Individualists”.
Nikhil: That's exactly what I was thinking.
Melinda: I think. Does that resonate for any Fours you know?
Nikhil: Yeah, it does. That resonates with several Fours that I'm associated with, for sure.
Melinda: It makes sense, right? Every theme is around, if we think about that shame and sadness, it comes out in different ways. For Fours, and they're not thinking that they're good enough, they set themselves apart or aside and want to work to be special on an individual level. So, I'm special because I'm different, or me being different makes me special. That's kind of what they turn into. So, it can be really hard for a Four. They're the ones that have the most distinctive experiences of sadness and shame and probably the most direct experiences of sadness and shame, so much so that they have a hard time getting out of those feelings. They favor those feelings as opposed to maybe more positive feelings like hope or joy. They overdo those feelings.
To answer your question about growth, one of the first things that needs to happen is this recognition that their internals might not be 110% accurate in terms of how the world is and who they are in the world. They need to start balancing their internals with the people in their lives that care about them and what they say. There's a way in which the gravity needs to shift a little more balanced between external and internal feelings of who they are and how they define themselves because they think they're really negative. In fact, they're human beings and they're both beautiful and have issues like the rest of us and they tend to focus on the issues instead of the beauty. So, they need to start integrating that in.
Nikhil: I think we have a good understanding of the individuals, how each Type individually presents themselves.
A lot of our lives are based on relationships. Each individual at times, when we're in relationships, there's unhealthy qualities that can be exhibited. So, each one of these, especially being that they're part of the Heart Type and they're thinking with their emotions, what are some things that these Types need to be aware of when they're in relationships? That they can identify that, hey, there's something not right here, so that they can maybe take a step back, just being aware of some key factors or key traits that they tend to exhibit when they're unhealthy relationship patterns.
Unhealthy Relationship Patterns
Type Two
Melinda: Yeah. The biggest thing I see for Twos is just too much focus on their relationships. They will just focus all their energy on their partner or people and to the detriment of themselves. It can cause some issues. Because they're going to try to help people in ways that the person never asked for and then Twos start to get resentful. Like I helped you in all these ways and you're not even grateful. And I'm like, well, did they ask for that help? Resentment is something that you need to work on internally for yourself. It usually means you've overextended your boundaries or allowed somebody to cross your boundaries.
Nikhil: Can you say that again? Because that was beautiful.
Melinda: Resentment is something that you need to work on yourself because usually what that means is you've crossed your own boundaries or allowed somebody to cross your boundaries.
For Twos who live in resentment a lot, we need to understand that we need to create boundaries and not cross them to help others or care for others or go outside of ourselves. That happens so much in relationships. It's like you do it without even thinking. Then you look behind you and you're like, oh, that was a boundary. I only know that because I'm pissed that they didn't care for me right in the way that I wanted them to.
Nikhil: I think it's important like, we know when resentment starts building up in us and it's oftentimes that we just stuff it down inside. Then we think it's going to be okay or that happens in marriages or that's normal, you know what I mean. I was thinking about that.
It's like people just often think that it's normal. This is what goes on. The problem is what I've realized as I've grown up and I realized, no, Nik, that is only happening in your small subset group of friends and family that you're surrounding yourself with. There is a big world out there. There's 6 billion people. You realize that what you think is like that's okay to occur. Our thoughts are not necessarily true. We need to think about that for one second, realize all your thoughts aren't necessarily true. When we realize that, we can move forward with, hey, maybe something needs to change or, this isn't normal because I shouldn't be feeling like this for this prolonged period. Where did I learn that this is normal? Again, we learn what normal is through our immediate circle and our families and how we grew up. It doesn't mean it was the right way for you. We change and we're supposed to.
Melinda: That's the biggest thing I see with Twos, and I've experienced that too. So hopefully that helps some of your Two listeners.
Nikhil: Then how about our Type Threes?
Type Three
Melinda: So, usually I only see Threes in therapy for two reasons. One, they've either burned out or two, their partner, spouse, whatever has hauled them into therapy. When that happens it's usually because the Three is not really in contact with their feelings. They're working too much. They're really trying to be that successful person, but they're not tuned into their EQ, their emotional IQ in order to connect with their partner.
Usually, I'm seeing Threes have a really hard time, connecting relationally, even though they're Heart Types, even though they're so sensitive. They have a very hard time getting to that emotional nurturing level and that kind of emotional ability to hear their partner and connect in that way. That's usually what I find with my Threes and relationships. It's really hard.
Nikhil: That makes sense.
Then we have our Type Fours.
Type Four
Melinda: Type Fours, again, the most therapized Type on the Enneagram. I see them a lot in relationships when they're so focused inward it's hard for them to tune into their partner. Interestingly. So, if their partner has a different experience or something else going on, it's very hard for the Four to step outside of themselves enough to navigate that with them or to understand that experience. Now, Fours are great at not being judgmental. I think that's something I've noticed about Fours that I love. But it really is that piece about that lack of outward oriented-ness that tends to be an issue.
The other thing I see a lot is it's hard for them to step out of their own shame and their own sadness. That's usually what they're stuck in. Say a partner says, “Hey, I'm having a really hard time when you do X.” A Four could be like, “Oh, I did X? Oh, I'm a terrible person. There's something wrong with me. Why do I always do that?” Downward, downward, downward. What happens? The person who brought that need forward gets lost. They get lost in the Four just spiraling downward and inward. That is a dynamic I see a lot with Fours in relationships.
Nikhil: Relationships are a big deal. Obviously how we're showing up every day for ourselves it's important for us to have these tools of being aware of how our interactions are with others. It's important for our partners and others that we're associated with to understand who we are so we can better communicate, interact, and have more fulfilling conversations, more fulfilling relationships.
For all those that are listening out there, yes, it's important for you to understand who you are, but hopefully you're also picking up some traits of people that are around you and understanding like maybe that's why mom acts this way. Maybe I need to communicate with her like this or be more patient with her when she's stressed now, I know how she is at a certain type of way.
It's just all beautiful stuff I feel, the more we learn. It's not that you're necessarily going to learn every little detail. You're not going to necessarily figure out what your Enneagram Type is today per se, but hopefully you're figuring out some things about yourself and how you're showing up in a certain way. Then that just helps you progress and improve and helps balance yourself because that really is the goal. And these days, especially with poor mental health being on the rise. It's important to understand that the times and society is changing and there's something going on where more and more people are being affected in a negative kind of way.
Instead of us hoping for change to come from somewhere outside, it's never going to come, it's got to come within us. Each individual. It starts with yourself. And if you can optimize who you are, because you are the CEO of your own body, you can only control your thoughts, your emotions, your actions. That's it. There's nothing else that you can control. But if all of us started doing that that would amount to tremendous change. There's been more of a push now, right? For each individual to start focusing on their own mental health and their mental being. We often work out all the time. We get our muscles all big and do all that, but we're not focusing on mental fitness enough and that comes first with becoming more aware of who we are.
That's why all these self-discovery techniques, and obviously we are big homers of the Enneagram and that as a method for that. You probably see why we do love it so much and are passionate about it because it's very easy to see yourself in each one of these types of situations.
One other thing we wanted to touch on was because mental health has become more of a crisis, people are becoming more and more stressed. Each individual acts in a certain way when they are stressed. So, with each one of these Types, can you go over some of the traits that they need to be aware of when adversity hits them and how they tend to respond and maybe how they can improve that a little bit for themselves?
Enneagram Types & Stress
Melinda: What I've experienced is that every Type, they kind of experience some adversity until they hit a wall that makes change necessary. So, I'm going to describe how people look before they hit the wall.
Type Two
For Twos what happens is they grow in that resentment we were talking about. They get angrier and angrier. They're on that rollercoaster internally or number inside, sadder, or they kind of go into deflation with that shame. That starts to grow and grow and grow. And they're on that roller coaster with a blindfold. They're like, I have all these feelings and I'm so resentful. I read somewhere that Enneagram Twos can look like that nagging mother when they're in a very unhealthy state. That is definitely a space that Twos can get into. Then they tend to get into a lot of controlling behaviors, like controlling other people.
They tend into that Eight a little. They can tend into the Four as well, where they feel a lot, but they also go into the control of the Eight. Kind of manipulating people to do their will. When people aren't meeting their needs, the resentment grows until eventually something breaks. Then they end up in my office, or their kid is like, you need to go to therapy or we're cutting contact. It can get really dramatic depending on how long it takes for the Two to tune into themselves.
Nikhil: And Type Threes?
Type Three
Melinda: Type Threes, again, I find that they just numb out. They do more and more. The Threes that land in my office I find right beforehand, they've either experienced a hike in anxiety, which you've mentioned high anxiety, but they think that the way to deal with that is to just do more stuff. So even their vacations are productive. I could tell you so many stories about Threes that thought this vacation could have been improved by reading five self-help books or five self-improvement books and I'm going to have this schedule to make sure my vacation is as productively relaxing.
Nikhil: I like that. It's true. They can't just be.
Melinda: And it's very hard. So that gets picked up to a frenzied pace. The wall is usually burnout, debilitating panic attacks. Sometimes it's even health issues because they've somaticized all their emotions. They've taken all of their feelings into their body and it's causing issues. That's what I find, they become more and more numb out to that sensitive, sensitive heart they have.
Nikhil: Right. And just for people to understand that stress and internalizing stress and resentment, it will certainly show up in the physical aspect of things. I dealt with that a lot in my hospital training and liver failure, people overeating, then turning to other addictions, because that pain, those emotions internalizing that has to be channeled somewhere. Or if you're going to keep suppressing it you're using other substances or other devices to suppress that and that leads to poor health outcomes. People can certainly die from that. So, it is very important for you to understand the importance of not internalizing such emotion, pain, stress, there's certainly poor outcomes that will occur for all of us who do that. It's important to go to somebody like Melinda or your family or friend, whoever you feel comfortable with to discuss those things.
Threes don't hold it all in. You’ve got to let that out.
Then we have our Type Fours.
Type Four
Melinda: Type Fours, it really is just kind of leaning into that suffering and leaning into those emotions like anger, sadness, shame. Because Fours can also feel anger, depending on the Four, to a point in which it's almost like they have blinders on. They can't see anything else. That's all they see. They're looking down with blinders on and they're churning inside. So, they're caught in that downward spiral but they're aware that they're in that spiral and they're longing to get out, and they have no idea how to do it and then they beat themselves up for not doing it. That's a cycle that I see in Fours when they're in a very unhealthy place.
Now, the thing about it, when I say that Fours find themselves in therapy most right, usually therapists unknowingly reinforce this cycle. Because they're like, oh, you're so aware of your negative emotions. Let's talk about all your feelings. Let's talk about all these things. Which in some cases can further keep them stuck in those feelings. They can think about those feelings on their own for free. And they do. Before they hit that wall of realizing that they need to do something different. They're missing out on life staying stuck in this longing and shame and sadness. That's usually either that or somebody else gets them into therapy. That's what I find.
Nikhil: Well, so many amazing things that we discussed today. I feel like my mind's got a much better understanding of all these different Types, including myself. Again, when you talked about each Type, I felt like at least at some point in my life, whether that's currently, or a couple of years ago, I've felt those types of emotions or have acted those types of ways. I think people need to understand that we will go through different phases of life where we’ll resonate with each Type of personality, and we're supposed to. Or someone we know that does. So, it's important for us, the more we learn about the Enneagram, the more aware we're going to be, the better outcomes we're going to have. Not just personally or professionally, then most importantly, obviously in our relationships, which we need to show up every day for.
For our listeners out there, what are some key takeaways that you would you want them to take home from this podcast. Maybe giving each Type a little bit of a challenge to do for the week to start their self-discovery journey.
Growth Challenge
Melinda: I was really looking forward to this portion. I'm so looking forward to this portion of the podcast. Key takeaways are always awareness. So, if anything resonated with somebody and they think, oh, I might be a Heart Type. Just because you're a Heart Type doesn't mean you do feelings well. Let me just put that out there. We all have our feeling issues.
Kind of take a beat and reflect. Do you notice these themes in your life? Are they central? I think that's something that I would encourage anybody who's beginning an Enneagram journey to really lean into. I know you have some resources for people to figure out what Type they are. I know you're going to post those. I really think that's the first thing. Notice awareness is like you said, that's the first muscle that we can control. So really start to notice if you see resentment or leaning into suffering too much or numbness in your life. Those tend to be ways that Heart Types show up in their individual special ways. That's one thing.
I do have a challenge per Type, if that's okay for me to share.
Nikhil: I love it. No, that's perfect. Individualized each Type.
Type Two
Melinda: For Type Twos, I really want to challenge you. If you know that you're a Two within the next week or two to get some intentional solo time. So, you can't be around anyone else for maybe an hour or two. Ideally, get out of your environment, like your home environment, because there's too many things to do for other people in your home environment. Get out of your home environment. And then try to spend that time focused on your thoughts, emotions and dreams, like your internals. Notice how much you focus on other people, think about your relationships, or think about things outside of yourself. Like other people. Every time that happens, redirect, but just become aware of how often your thoughts go outside. It'll be a lot. Don't be discouraged. It's an awareness exercise. That's for Twos.
Nikhil: Be compassionate. Most importantly, be compassionate with yourselves. When you're starting to discover who you are there's a good side and there's obviously a shadow side that we all have and each one of us has this side. So, when we start becoming more aware of those aspects that we're not so proud of per se, it's important to be compassionate.
Melinda: Absolutely. And thank you because that's really important. Try to do this nonjudgmentally.
Type Three
So, for Threes, I want to encourage y'all to take maybe 30 minutes, because I think that's as much as they'll be able to hang with, challenge me if you think I'm wrong. Take about 30 minutes and do a mindful walk. You're not allowed to bring an iPod; you're not allowed to bring a Kindle. You're not allowed to bring anything productive, no podcasts, nothing. No music. I want you to just look around and try to be present, orient yourself to what you see, hear, smell, and feel during that 30-minute walk. Be present and notice what's in the present. Then Notice how hard that is, if it's hard for you.
Nikhil: I like that. Mindful walks are really, really helpful.
Melinda: Yeah. I think that's a helpful awareness tool for Threes specifically.
Type Four
For our Fours, and this is going to be a hard one, but I want them to start a small list of heart centered gratitude. I want them to keep a gratitude journal, like two or three things they're grateful for every day for a week. It doesn't have to take long, two to three minutes, but try to actively journal about what's good. Like two or three bullet points about what's good about you or what's good about your life right now.
It's going to feel very hard to actively notice what's good about especially yourself, but also the life you're in. This isn't to suppress or deny feelings, but it's actually to round out emotional experience for a Four. For them to notice how often they focus on suffering and how they need to work that muscle of rounding out their emotional experience to what's good and noticing what we call their golden shadow, which is the good things about them that tends to be in their blind spot. That's my challenge for Fours.
Nikhil: These are some great challenges, and we would love for the audience out there to come back next week in the comment section, or as the week's going on, let us know how these challenges are going for you. There is a lot of strength in community and to know that we're all doing this together and kind of like your own soul tribe that hey, change isn't easy. Growth is not easy, but it doesn't have to be done alone. The most important thing to understand is that we're all in this together. We're not meant to be doing everything in life by ourselves. That’s what's great about having a community, and a community of likeminded individuals.
About Dr. Nikhil Sharma & AlignUs
I’m Dr. Nikhil Sharma, founder of AlignUs and for the last 10 years I had dedicated my life to working with patients with liver failure due to alcohol or obesity, who suffer from addictions and was a part of their rehabilitation process and helping them to get to a new liver and a second chance at life. During that period, I thought to myself, what if we could prevent people from suffering major physical health issues by helping them heal from their traumas and improve their mental health?
So, I created AlignUs where our mission is to inspire a world of wellness and philanthropy through compassion, connection and competition.
AlignUs creates a high vibrational atmosphere that involves self-care, physical competition and charitable donations. AlignUs will revolutionize how we do philanthropy in this digital age, while making it fun and rewarding to help each other.
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© Copyright 2023 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.
JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT
Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.
Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne:
“I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”
“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”
I was a panelist at the EnneaSummit 2024 for the Enneagram Practitioner Panel.
In this panel, we share our experiences and observations about what different Enneagram types think they need in therapy, what they actually need, and some important growth steps so they can grow beyond their type.