The Past is Still Alive

Key moments and memories from years (even decades ago) can still influence our emotions, relationships, and self-esteem today. Memories build into the fabric of our lives, and while we likely interpret memories as “good” or “bad,” we are not always able to identify the themes behind those memories and discover which events could be causing trauma, anxiety, or other difficult emotions. This is where a Top 10 List comes in.

What is a Top 10 List?

The purpose of the Top 10 List is to view these memories as part of a whole rather than random, isolated moments in our lives. Odds are that many of your best memories and worst memories have similar underlying currents that still affect your emotions and relationships in present day. Once you’ve written out what may seem like independent, unrelated events on a single sheet of paper, you may be able to better see the common threads that are still being woven today, whether you like it or not.

For this activity, divide a lined piece of paper into two columns. On the left side, list your Top 10 Best Memories; on the right side, list your Top 10 Worst Memories. Jot just a line or two—enough for you to understand what the memory is—and list the age that this memory occurred. No need to write an essay about each memory - we only need a Table of Contents for your life to use as a reference guide.

Look at the example chart below to help jumpstart your own Top 10 lists. These memories might be about connection, breakups, leisure, achievements, loss, disappointments, etc. Give yourself enough time to explore your positive and negative emotions. You can jot these memories in a notebook or use the downloadable PDF chart.

How to Evaluate Your Memories

After making your list, see if you can identify some common themes among them.

• What themes stand out? (e.g., “Even if I mess up, someone always has my back.”)

• What seems to matter the most to you? (e.g., success, relationships, money, self-reliance)

• Are there common emotions associated with these memories?

  • What are the positive emotions (e.g., pride, belonging, connection)?

  • What are the negative emotions (e.g., failure, shame, guilt)?

• What pained you the most?

• What did you need that you didn’t get? (e.g., comfort, rest, friendship)

• What are some familiar patterns you’ve found yourself in? (e.g., friendship fallouts, loneliness, thwarted projects)

Now, think about how these emotions and themes carry into the present. Do these themes trigger you emotionally? For example, if many of your worst memories tie in with you failing, it wouldn’t be surprising that the fear of disappointing others still has a strong presence in your life today in your professional life, personal relationships, etc.

The Future is Not Yet Set: What Now?

The Top 10 List gives you a bird's eye view of your life so that, informed by your life narrative, you can intentionally weave the future in alignment with your wants and needs.

• Now that you know what you know about yourself, what would you like to do differently going forward? Keep the same?

• What are some stubborn patterns in your life that seem to repeat against your will? What do you need to do to get unstuck?

The first step at working through these knots is identifying the common threads as revealed by your emotions since what you FEEL reveals what you NEED. Then, you can take this to the next level and visualize these feelings and needs in the Life Timeline.

As you move forward this month, notice which emotions are stirred up, because the present is simultaneously the past in the making and a chance to design the future.

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© Copyright 2021 Joanne B. Kim. All rights reserved.

JOANNE B. KIM, LMFT

Joanne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, CA, who loves helping people create emotionally thriving relationships. She helps people EXHAUSTED by anxiety, shame, and an allergic reaction to anger create VIBRANT relationships where they matter, too.

Many of her clients are:
(1) the highly responsible, conscientious, and empathic types
(2) Enneagram Type Ones, Twos, Fours, or Nines
(3) Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)
(4) adult survivors of emotional abuse and neglect

The most common words spoken by those who’ve sat with Joanne: “I thought it was just me. I’m NOT crazy!”

“I can finally figure out what to do with all these feelings!”

Does this resonate?