Feelings about your own birthday because of your Enneagram Type

One of the most common things I see in my work with my Enneagram therapy + coaching clients is a complicated relationship with their own birthdays. (I'm looking at you, Enneagram 1s, 2s, 4s, and 9s!)

This might be because of a host of reasons:

• Lack of practice in celebrating + having fun — "There's so much to do. Who has time for vacation?!"

• Lack of practice in celebrating oneself, feelings of shame + unworthiness

• Self-consciousness — not wanting to be the center of attention (or to be noticed, period!)

• Resentment - "I did this for YOUR birthday; why didn't you do it for me?" “I thought about all the things you wanted to do for your birthday. Why didn’t you ask me what I wanted?”

• Unspoken desires + expectations

• Focus on OTHER people's wants + needs

This isn't from nowhere. A lot of it might stem from our Enneagram autopilot ways of living life, including putting others' needs before our own or feeling like we need to EARN love and goodness.

Years ago, I would have never imagined announcing my birthday so openly to 3,000+ people, let alone the 5 closest friends to me.

Because I felt SO UNCOMFORTABLE drawing attention (even positive ones), I used to get squeamish about my birthday, burying my head in the sand and hoping it would just blow over without anyone noticing as if it's a terrible event.

This tapped into the same part of me that would avoid, deflect, or minimize any compliments or appreciations I got.

It always baffled me how some people would not only enjoy their birthday but would want everyone to know it. How can they handle such intensity of positive attention??

In the past several years, I learned that my own Enneagram type (Self-Preservation 4) was interfering with my ability to be celebrated.

Here is what happens for Enneagram 4s:

• Enneagram 4s have such a deep shame message that says, "I am bad/broken."

• Anytime someone tells Fours something similar to the above message, we absorb it and won't let it go. Anytime someone says something different than the above message, we deflect it. (Self-referencing)

Here is what happens for those with a dominant Self-preservation instinct (regardless of Enneagram type):

We crave predictability, control, and planning. Anything we haven't planned/prepared for (e.g., other people's emotions/sentiments or surprises) freaks us out.

By knowing my Enneagram type, I've done a lot of deep healing to recognize that:

• I, too, have goodness in me - just like everyone else.

• Others don't automatically have alterior motives - some are actually excited to celebrate me.

• It's okay to allow myself to be seen, loved, and held.

This does NOT mean that those who aren't an Enneagram 4SP can't ever get squeamish about getting positive attention. This just happens to be the 4SP reasons we get stuck.

Other types might also deflect for different reasons:

1. Enneagram 2s might crave positive attention and feel rejected when they don't get it. But when they DO get positive attention, they feel embarrassed and awkward.

2. Enneagram 5s might prefer to keep it low-key (maybe to even sleep in) rather than having to interact with other peopel

3. Nines generally feel uncomfortable being the center of attention (though they feel hurt when they're ignored or not included)

4. Self-preservation 1s might be so obsessed in noticing their imperfections that they have a hard time acknowledging that they, too, are good.

5. Social 7s might want to focus on making things fun for everyone else and put their own wants last.

(I’d love to hear your experiences of birthdays based on your Enneagram type — shoot me an email and I’ll add them onto this blog!)

What does knowing our Enneagram types do?

It helps us see how our autopilot ways of thinking, feeling, and doing actually gets us STUCK in painful situations. Each of the nine Enneagram types show us how we create our own suffering (on top of the challenges that come with life).

I really wish I knew the Enneagram earlier in life - it totally would have helped me heal and move on from the same old narratives.

This is why I'm so driven to spread the word about it - NOT so that I tell you how to put yourself in a box, but precisely to show you how you've been stuck in a box already and help you get out of it.

Your Enneagram type is NOT who you are - it's what you've BELIEVED you are. There's so much more to you beyond that.

Some questions for you…

• What has your the idea of birthdays been in general? (Some might have made it onto your Life Timeline!)

• What’s been your experience of YOUR birthdays?

  • What made the BEST birthdays the best?

  • What made the WORST birthdays the worst?

• How does your Enneagram type show up in what made up your best or worst birthdays?

• What has your experiences with OTHER people’s birthdays been?

  • What feelings come up when you think about other people’s birthdays? (Excitement, envy, sadness, loneliness, jealousy, resentment, etc.)

• How does your dominant instinct (Self-Preservation, Social, Sexual) show up?

• What is one thing you can intentionally do differently to celebrate yourself (if you tend to shy away from your birthday)?

  • What is something you’ve always wanted to do but never gave yourself permission to pursue? This blog about the Fuck-it List might help.

  • How can you ask someone else to help you do that?

• How can you celebrate others for what THEY want/need (instead of going according to YOUR IDEA of what they want/need?

(If you’d like to add your experience according to your Enneagram type, shoot me an email and I could add it here as part of a communal convo!)